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Stella gets the Oscar for her portrayal of dismal … Charlotte and I are more … subtle?

Here I write about grief and parenting.

On February 18th, 2020, my youngest daughter, 14 forever, died in her own bed of complications from cancer. I am now part of a club that has insight into the darkest corners of the human heart; and like every one of us in this club, I didn’t want to join. I’m also the father of Charlotte Francesca, 22. She was first. Stella was born because Charlotte, at age 4, rather forcefully requested a sibling of us and we conceded, happily. Now, as my only living daughter, my job as her father has changed; and newly separated from her mother, my relationship to my only living daughter has changed again. My love for her and the exercise of caring for her and simultaneously letting her go is my new charge.

I’ll share my experiences here, before Stella Blue’s end days, during and after she left us; I will share my experiences as a father as well. I’m doing this for 2 reasons: one, it helps me, it solidifies what I can’t do in silence or talking or walking or loving or running or working or reading; and two, when Stella was sick and I knew there wasn’t any hope, I started searching for straight reports of the ordeal online and in bookstores, hoping to catch a glimpse of what life was possibly going to look like afterward … I didn’t find what I was looking for. I found helpful professionals whose experience and deep thinking brought some relief, tools to stand up by, but I didn’t find too many parent peers sharing their thoughts, personal and raw; when I did they were usually excellent and almost always, written by mothers, never fathers.

My urge to process is constant and that urge becomes most productive with my fingers on the keyboard. Also, when I ask Stella, ‘why am I doing this?’ She says to me: ‘does it help you, does it help others?’ I know the answer to the first question and I’ll keep asking myself the second.

I’m not a professional writer, nor a published writer, I’m not even that funny really … but I do have a particular POV to offer: a close-up, raw look at dealing with the loss of my child to cancer. Other ‘credentials’: AEA actor for more than 25 years, Waldorf child of Waldorf parents and owner of LCM Builders LLC, a fine remodel and new construction company in Seattle, WA.

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I write about living with grief after losing my youngest daughter to cancer.

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bereaved father, proud father,